THE TRUTH ABOUT GLASWEGIAN

There is a story little known to most of the users of the Tech Support Forum. Most people would assume, given the character of the user known only online as "Glaswegian", that he has little respect or admiration for the manliest of all men, Chuck Norris. However, a few select members remember a time, not too long ago, when Glaswegian was the most avid Chuck fan there was.... this is his story!

In the beginning...

...was Chuck, and Chuck was with God, and Chuck was God. So opens the original Gospel of Chuck according to the Apostle John. Unfortunately, much has been lost in translation over the years, but recently found original manuscripts allow us to confirm that it was not Christ but Chuck. Many people doubt this, and if you were not fully briefed on this situation, you would assume that Glaswegian was one of these people. It was not always so. Glaswegian would rant and rave about the second coming of Chuck Norris. Obviously, he has come back again, but Glaswegian now doubts this.

The Early Years

Upon learning to read the original Aramic transcripts and confirming with his own eyes that it was indeed Chuck, and not Christ as had been previously thought, he began his long career as a believer in the true deity of Chuck. He began on the internet, posting in usenet and on the early bulletin board systems so popularized in the late 90s. He spread the message far and wide, and became responsible for the ever popular Chuck Norris "jokes" that now roam the internet. Many people did not take him seriously however, as he had intended them to be used as the new equivalent of the Ten Commandments. He became disillusioned with the people and boards he had previously preached on, disowning many of them, and damning them to hell. This would later contribute to his downfall.

The Later Years

Glaswegian continued to spread the unpopular message that Chuck would soon come again. He held religious gatherings where a select group of followers would watch the Walker Texas Ranger series on VHS recordings from when the show aired. These became known in some circles of the belief to be the Chuckian equivalent of the Bible, in addition to the many non-fiction documentaries released throughout the late 80s and 90s, such as "The Delta Force". During this same period, Glaswegian successfully completed a pilgrimage to Texas, the Chuckian Holy Land, which served to strengthen his beliefs, and renew his commitment to Chuck. This movement continued, gaining strength throughout the 90s and into the mid 00s. By mid-late 2005 however, his downfall was imminent. It would come very soon after his entry into the Tech Support Forum in September 2005.

The Decline

It was around this time that he was finally given the priviledge to meet Chuck Norris in person. Chuck blessed Glaswegian by allowing him to stroke his beard. They then sat and discussed the theological aspects of Chuckianism late into the night. They then watched the entire run of Walker Texas Ranger all that week, Chuck pointing out things that Glaswegian had previously missed. At the end of this weeklong run, after drinking 3 times the amount of whiskey required to get him hammered off his ass (even as a Scot), Glaswegian made a comment which went against the very commandments that no one else had taken seriously. What he said is repeated below verbatim, and should never EVER be said directly to Chuck, or even said in hushed tones in the same country as Chuck. Remember, if you can't see Chuck, you may only be seconds from death. The quote is as follows:

You know Chuck, a roundhouse kick is NOT the best way to kill someone...

Chuck Norris, remembering all that Glaswegian had done on Earth for him was merciful for the first and only time in his entire life. Instead of killing Glaswegian outright, he roundhouse kicked him, barely hitting him, but it was enough to send Glaswegian to the emergency room. (Literally... He did not arrive via ambulance, but via air and through roof.)

The Denial

Glaswegian was walking the fence for the next several days, slipping in and out of consciousness. When he awoke, the only thing he could think about was the apparent slow motion movement of Chuck's boot into his face. It replayed over and over in his head. He forgot, however, what he said immediately prior to the roundhouse kick. This is theorized to be due to the fact that he had massive quantities of whiskey while on the weeklong "Walker: Texas Ranger" binge, and the reason he could only recall the boot was because it was so traumatic. Knowing only that he had been roundhouse kicked by the man he had sworn his fealty, life, and everything he had ever owned to, his anger began to grow and grow, until about a month later, in November of 2005, he began to deny he had ever had anything to do with Chuck. He went onto the internet to attempt to remove any traces of his name from anything to do with Chuck Norris. He found, however, that since most people deemed him a crackpot and a troll, most of his forum, usenet, and website content had been deleted, lost in the vastness of the internet. He erased the last traces of his love for Chuck when he edited his profile on the Tech Support Forum, changing his avatar and signature away from Chuck loving themes.... thus was born the Glaswegian we now know, the staunch Chuck hater from the "The last person to post in this thread wins!" thread.

AND NOW YOU KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT GLASWEGIAN!